Half of you
by lastmetro
Summary: <html><head></head>A disagreement leads Jane and Maura in opposite directions. Plus a one-shot continuation...</html>
1. Good Intentions Paving Company

**A/N: **This story has been living in my mind for quite a long time now. I started writing it a while ago as well, but I didn't get round to it. This is also my first fic, so I may or may not be terrified at this moment. English is not my first language, so any mistakes on that sense, my own fault :)

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

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><p>In spite of having attended several Rizzoli dinners, Maura was sure she had never seen such a crowded dinner table before: there were pans and pots and bowls everywhere forming a rather colorful picture.<p>

It was a Sunday evening at the end of spring and the Rizzolis had invited family and neighbors to celebrate. It wasn't an big posh party, a luncheon or a gala to commemorate some silly award or a loveless marriage and it sometimes still amazed Maura how the Rizzoli family celebrated the simpler things in life. Just that, the good weather finally coming to the city after what seemed to be and endless winter and Maura had grown rather fond of these evenings, with their paper plates and red plastic cups.

For Maura the beginning of the summer also meant good memories. It was around that time last year they had started their relationship. Of course, in all that time neither of them had named _it - _whatever it was they had going on. For Jane it was a matter of being practical and uncomplicated; but it was different for Maura. Although in the back of her mind she knew it was scientifically impossible she was afraid that if they ever discussed it, it would all somehow disappear; going away as if nothing had happened. So they both kept quiet around it.

"And when is your next Doctor's appointment?" Maura smiled at Frankie, who was holding a half eaten paella dish.

"Not until next month" Frankie and Maura had been talking about his recovery for a while; everything from Doctors to therapy and prescriptions had been covered.

"Well, I'm glad you don't have to see your Doctor as often now, I know it can be quite tiring"

"Oh, there you are! Jane was looking for you earlier." Frankie and Maura turned their heads simultaneously at the voice of Angela, dressed in a floral print blouse and khaki pants.

"Did you have enough to eat? There is plenty more if you are still hungry" She looked at Maura, but didn't give the Doctor time to answer "I hope Frankie is not boring you with his cop stories"

"Ma! Please" Frankie raised his eyebrows.

"Actually" Maura interrupted "We were talking about Frankie, and how he is on his way to full recovery much quicker than expected"

"If that's the case" Frankie received a pat from his mother; a mixture of concern, pride and warning, all in one gesture. "If that's the case, then you better listen to what Maura says"

Maura offered a polite smile "I'm going to go and find Jane"

She scoped the Rizzoli's backyard, some people had started to leave, but the remaining crowd was chatting lively while having some of the deserts. Jane was nowhere to be found, so Maura took the narrow path alongside the house, to the front porch.

"That is pretty impressive!" Maura could discern Jane's voice among a group of kids. She was playing basketball with Max and Leah, the neighbor's kids and Jane's cousin's daughter, Isabella.

"But you wanna learn something really cool?" Jane gave Maura a faint smile as she saw her approaching the group "Then watch this" She picked up the ball and proceeded to do a shot which involved a complicated jump.

The Doctor sat on the porch, amazed at Jane's remaining energy after such a busy weekend. Maura felt like she could go to bed and sleep for two straight days.

"She is way better with kids than she will ever give herself credit for" Maura was lost in her own thoughts when Angela appeared out of nowhere, holding two plates filled with genóise cake; the Rizzoli size portions overcrowding the dishes. Maura smiled to herself, knowing who would end up finishing hers.

"I know" _Maura knew._

"And, you know how she goes around saying she doesn't want kids. Sometimes I swear she only does it to irritate me" Angela chuckled, but Maura perceived a hint of sadness in her voice.

Maura's smile was sympathetic. "I'm sure that's not the real reason"

They watched the game for a little while.

"What about yourself, Maura?" Angela's gaze went from Jane and the kids to the Doctor. "Have you ever thought about, you know, kids"

At that very moment, Maura came to the realization that Angela's bluntness had ceased startling her a while ago. She opened her mouth to say something, only she wasn't sure what.

"Ma, come on!" Unnoticed, Jane had made her way towards the two women "Look, If you don't leave Maura alone, she is going to stop coming to these things, Ok?"

"Jane, you know I wouldn't stop coming" On the back of her head Maura knew Jane wasn't being literal, but she couldn't help herself.

"Well, maybe you won't, but I might" mumbled the detective "God, Maura, help me out here" Jane raised and shook her arms in a gesture of frustration.

"Uh, Frank is calling me!" Angela motioned towards the interior of the house "I better go see what he needs" She disappeared into the house, just as she had appeared a few minutes ago.  
>Jane softly giggled, amused at her mother's lack of creativity and effort when it came to making up excuses; Angela reminded more of herself than she was willing to admit.<p>

"After all this time, I thought the brilliant Maura Isles knew better than to let Angela get in her hair." She half teased, leaning to kiss Maura's head. She needed to get Maura to use her shampoo more often; Jane made a mental note.

Her voice raised "Okay kids, game is over for me" "More and better basket next time"

Amongst several _ohhh_s and general grunts of disapproval, the Doctor took Jane's hand;

"Come on" Maura patted the vacant place next to her on the step, inviting Jane to sit.

"When you are done with yours" She handed Jane one of the plates "Do you reckon you'll be able to help finishing mine?"

"Do you really need to ask that question?"

Maura simply smiled; and shook her head.


	2. Heartbeat Chili

"Maura, have you seen my shoes? I can't find them anywhere"

Drying her hands on a blue and white stripped towel, Jane stepped outside the kitchen, her voice louder than necessary, as she found Maura was just sitting right there; wearing her white drape jacket wrapped around herself.

"So, no Rizzoli open house tonight for you, Doctor Isles?" Jane knew Angela enjoyed showing Maura around her backyard garden every time the girls were over.

Jane placed the kitchen towel on the bench armrest, then sat, legs crossed, her back leaning on the side of the seat.

"Not tonight. Your mom got a call from your aunt; so I guess we won't be seeing much of her in the next couple of hours"

"Woah, Maura. Are you as tired as you look?"

"I think I might be. Probably even more"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started that argument before doing the washing up. Pa and Frankie are so stubborn when it comes to baseball anyway"

"And you are not?"

"I am not stubborn. I am right" Jane chuckled "They are two different things."

"Whatever, let's say goodbye to everybody and go home, yeah?" Jane took the doctor's hand, leading them inside the kitchen.

"What about your shoes, Jane?" Maura did sound tired

"It's okay, they can't go very far" Jane felt Maura's hand guiding her own around her waist. A sonorous kiss followed.

"You two still going at it?" Jane sighed at the sight or Frank and Frankie Jr. still involved in a heated debate while finishing tidying up around the room. "You know, I would get the beer out and everything, except none of you will ever win this argument because I just did. Twenty minutes ago." Jane offered them a smirk.

"Don't be a wise ass, okay?" Frank's remark was complimented by his son's_ I told you so _look straight to Jane.

"I know, dad. I know" Jane knew, exactly, the angle she had to tilt her head, the length her lips should spread in order to keep out or trouble.

"Maura and I are heading out now; we've got some sleep to catch up with" She bent down towards Frank, who placed a quick kiss on her daughter's cheek. "Your mom is upstairs"

"We'll say goodbye on our way out"

"Good bye, Maura" This time, Frank stood up; his right arm over the doctor's shoulder was halfway between a hug and a more informal, quick pat. _Always so clumsy around Maura, _Jane thought. It definitely wasn't the height difference, but something made Frank act as if he didn't know what do around her. "As always, it was great to have you over"

"Thank you, Frank. I had a lovely time" Maura smiled at Frank; and Jane smiled at Maura, she had learned to appreciate what laid behind polite formulas.

"You girls be good!"

Frankie's voice sounded far away, as Jane led the doctor upstairs. They stood outside the dimly lit room, watching Angela watch them with a smile, phone pressed against her left ear.

"Yeah, Valentina came too" Angela was saying "You won't believe how big Paola is now; can you believe she still remembers the Liras you brought her from your trip to Italy. She is so sweet"  
>A pause "Now, hold on two minutes, Jane and Maura came up to say goodbye, I think... " "...Yes, they are doing good, madly busy with work though. But I guess that's a good thing. Okay, hold on now" Angela placed the telephone, face up, on her bedside table.<p>

"You girls get a good night's sleep" First Maura, then Jane were pulled in two of Angela's trademark hugs. "You deserve it after all the hard work you've been doing lately"

Maura watched Jane's tangerine toenails against the car pedals as the drove. It was her idea, to paint the toenails of a napping Jane lying on the couch at her house; Jane wouldn't have let her any other way. A smile to herself, Maura realized some of her muscles were still stiff from laughter after the silly tickle fight that took place on the couch upon the discovery of Maura's big treachery.

Maura watched Jane's toenails against the pedals and something told her this wasn't the first time the detective had driven a car barefoot. 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Inside Jane's apartment Jo Friday was nowhere to be found

"I swear this dog is really a cat born inside the wrong body"

"Don't be silly, Jane. It is a perfectly normal behavior for a dog" a yawn interrupted Maura's speech "Hey, do you mind if I just go straight to bed. I don't think I can keep my eyes open much longer"

Jane reached for Maura's hand, kissing her palm.

"Of course it is; I'll just take Jo for a walk,_ you know, identity crisis allowing, _then I'll take a quick shower"

She walked towards her bedroom, opened the top drawer, retrieving her gum; left there at Angela's request. It felt like finally wearing proper clothes after an uncomfortable day spent in only underwear.

The pavement felt cold under her bare feet. Neither the detective nor her dog felt like much of a walk; so Jane crossed the road outside her apartment, carrying the white dog on her arms.

"Okay, Jo" She stroked her behind her right ear "Is some collaboration too much to ask?"

Apparently it was.

Thirty minutes later Jane quietly climbed into bed and turned the white lamp on her nightstand off. Tiredness had suddenly overtaken after her shower and had just started drifting off when she felt a soft shift coming from across the bed.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up" her voice was merely a whisper. Just as she finished uttering the words Jane realized maybe she had just woken the doctor right then.

"It is okay, I couldn't sleep"

A warm hand crept and softly grasped the detective's neck. The rose scent of Maura's hand lotion revealed itself on Jane's nose. She remembered teasing her about it when she first saw the container: _"Why does it have to be roses from Bulgaria? Can't they be from someplace closer to us, like Mexico?" _

"What can I do?" Jane leaned her head slightly down and spoke against the doctor's inner forearm - her skin was always so soft there, leaving her lips resting on the smooth spot. "To help you sleep"

"Can you hold me?"

"Of course, you don't have to ask" 

::::::::::::::

"Jane?"

They had barely moved since they fell asleep the night before

"Remember yesterday?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"When we were watching you play basketball"

In her mind, Jane made a resolution to have a serious talk with Angela; a lunch or a coffee would maybe do, try to set up some boundaries.

"I will talk to her, all right?" the Dective popped herself on one elbow, placed soft kisses upon Maura's shut eyelids; feeling the irregular movement under them. "I can't promise anything, though"

"Jane, I have been doing some thinking" Maura's eyes remained closed as she spoke, her voice so soft. Almost childlike.

_When had she not?_

"I've done some research; online"

Just like a preamble; Jane recalled a conversation a few months ago, the same exact place, the same exact position. The same paisley pattern on Jane's sheets. Maura had started shivering, minutes after Jane had made love to her. And, drunk on trust and intimacy, the small space under the bed covers had seemed appropriate to initiate confessions of an uncertain future.

"_I think I would love to have children one day_" Maura had said.

Jane never made use of her turn and Maura knew not to push the subject any further. Any time.

Reality suddenly hit Jane; Maura was always one to smile at children passing by; perhaps she should have seen this coming, since the day they crossed their way with a sleeping baby and his mother on the way out from one of the glasshouses at the Harvard Botanic Garden. Jane opened the door for them and Maura smiled a smile the Detective had never seen before. Maybe all the smiles that would come after were hints of things to come, like half-hidden clues that Jane had subconsciously refused to acknowledge.

_They weren't_. _Different things are different. _

Jane knew that would have been Maura's answer - better phrasing, of course, were the Doctor reading her mind as they both lay in bed.

"I am so sorry, Jane" There she was again. Child Maura. "I should have told you"

_Motion sickness_, lying on a bed, still as a rock.

"I'm so sorry; I understand if you are mad at me"

The detective sat up against the bed header, her long arms wrapped around her legs.

"You know what the worst thing is, Maura?" Jane's voice was quiet "The worst thing is that I don't even think I have the right to be mad at this"

Jane stared at the green and blue paisley pattern.


	3. Jangling

**First things first!**: thanks for your lovely reviews! :) And sorry for the delay...

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

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><p>"No, no traces of DNA under the victim's fingernails"<p>

On the phone, Maura's voice sounded very far from Jane's desk. It reminded her of how she used to joke about the resemblance between the morgue and the center of the Earth. _"It is actually not funny, Jane" _Of course it wasn't funny for the literal mind of Maura Isles.

"I am still waiting on the other tests, so I will let you know as soon as the lab has them"

"Okay, thank you, Maura"

"Is there anything el..." _So many things._

"No, that's everything, thanks again"

Five seconds of silence. Maura -or the white sound of her presence on the telephone was still there, as if waiting for something. Jane didn't know what to do; so she just hung up.

Jane wished there was a Facebook-like button so one could detach themselves from another person.

She would, undoubtedly, click it.

Instead, what she had was an ugly mess of poor excuses and two weeks worth of frozen dinners for one.

When Jane was nine years old she had a best friend named Susan.  
>Nearly every day, after school, Jane was invited to play at Susan's empty house. Eating peanut butter straight out of the container or stealing from the change jar and running to the corner store to buy ice pops were not things one could get away with under the vigilance of an adult. Jane's favorite shenanigans involved wearing swimming-suits in winter; running the hot water in Susan's huge bathtub and pretending to be someplace else. Somewhere far from the cold Boston winter.<p>

Until one evening it wasn't Jane, but a girl named Becky who was invited to play.  
>That day, when she came home, she announced that she had a lot of homework and she wouldn't be down for dinner to an unsurprised Angela who knew trying to reason with her daughter would be useless.<p>

Jane locked her bedroom door and opened the diary her grandmother had given her as a birthday present. Bits of the original pink floral pattern were still visible among the baseball stickers, placed there by Jane in an attempt to conceal the original covers. She tore the twenty seven pages written in electric blue ink. Employing way more strength than necessary, she crumpled the sheets of paper into a ball in a single gesture.

Jane spent the whole night rewriting her diary, every single entry previously deleted was born again out of figments of her imagination; Ignoring whatever had happened the days were filled with different new adventures, new friends that existed only on the pages of her diary.

It wasn't until the next day when a very sleepy Jane entered her classroom that she realized everything had been in vain: like an apparition, Susan was sitting next to her; and after all, she would have to share their desk for months to come. She would have to see her, day after day for the rest of the year.

At age nine, Jane learned that she could rewrite history, but she could never ignore the facts that made it.

"Rizzoli"

Jane hurriedly placed her hand over the computer mouse and made a random movement with it. But she knew it was already too late.

"Rizzoli, we have an address" Frost held the detective's car keys in front of her face " I would drive, but I just opened this" He held a box of doughnuts with his left hand.

"As long as you are sharing"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Soon they left the motorway. The space between the houses seemed to increase significantly as they drove; the houses became bigger, the lawns greener, the gardens better maintained, playgrounds safer, in brighter colors. Everything was planned and designed so as not to hurt the eye, Jane thought. From the pastel tones of the houses to the arrangement of the flowerbeds.

But in reality she was glad the case was leading them there and not some run-down neighborhood she wasn't in the mood to deal with.

"I think this is it" Frost pointed his cream doughnut towards a Victorian house on the left at the end of the street. "The one with the blue sliding"

"It is green, Frost. Mint green actually"

"Doctor Isles been training you?" he teased

"Shut up, Frost"

A genuinely annoyed look from Jane made Frost rethink his words before they came out of his mouth.

"Hey, you up for a beer or two tonight?" Somehow Frost knew the detective's plans for Friday night would involve having a drink at home, by herself.

"I don't know..."

"Come on, don't make me beg, Jane"

"Okay" it came out barely a whisper, Jane's eyes fixated on the ground. She felt like she had just lost a battle which just minutes ago she had no idea she was fighting.

A knock on the door. Always the door knock first, to avoid any unnecessary noise and attention.

But there was no answer; the only sound was a bird singing in a tree nearby. Jane's left thumb pressed the door bell once. Twice.

"Perhaps they are over at some friends' tea party, or fencing. Whatever it is posh people do"

Frost looked amused at Jane's remarks.

Then the door opened, almost too slowly for Jane's patience, to reveal a puffy eyed woman. The lack of make up on her face contrasted with her otherwise impeccable appearance: freshly combed hair, neatly pressed cotton voile shirt and grey chinos. .

"Laura Strafford?"

The Woman nodded

"I am Detective Jane Rizzoli, this is Detective Barry Frost; we work for the Boston Police Department"

Jane noticed three pairs of almost identical blue eyes were hiding behind the woman.

"We are very sorry for your loss, Mrs. Strafford"

_Frost, always saving the moment. _

"Thank you. But please come in" The woman attempted a full smile but stopped halfway through. "James, will you take your sisters upstairs, dear?"

As the door fully opened, Jane caught a glimpse of the kids climbing the stairs, clumsy steps, throwing looks of curiosity at the detectives.

The living room they were lead to had a beige scheme. Bay windows made it very bright, as if the sun was setting right there, in the Strafford's backyard.

"We have some questions we would like to ask" Jane was glad it was Frost the one doing most of the talking.

"Of course, I understand. But I am afraid I won't be much help, Detectives" She motioned towards a modular sofa, while she took a seat next to it.

"Anything you can give us can be useful" Frost reassured "Telling us about the last time you saw her would be a good start"

"It must have been three weeks ago. We usually go to Church together -went to Church together every Sunday" Her chin had started to tremble "I am sorry, It is just... "

"Is there anything we can get you, Mrs. Strafford? Some water, maybe?" Jane leaned in and placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder

"It is fine, thanks." The woman tried to regain her composure after a long pause "As I was saying, she called the day before; she said she would be busy with work. She was a preschool teacher, you know, at St Peter.

"We weren't in, so she left a message, which I am sure it is still in there" Her eyes moved in the direction of the home phone, sitting on an old, restored sewing machine table. A single tear ran down her face; she was quick to wipe it with her hand. "I am sure it is still there, if it's any use. I am so bad at deleting voice messages" She chuckled.

Jane smiled back at her.

"Thanks, we would get in contact in case we needed it"

"Is there anything else you could tell us?" Frost spoke calmly "Did you notice any unusual behaviors in your sister? Any changes on her routine?"

"Apart from not attending the Sunday services, which I have to say it wasn't really like her" The look of sadness grew evident on her face "As far as I know, Detectives, she continued going to work until the day, you know, _they found her_"

Silence left the room as Jane's phone went off. She reached for it, unclasping it from her black leather belt.

"Excuse me" Jane stood up "I should take this call"

"Rizzoli" She spoke as she walked towards the main entrance.

"Jane, I came up to talk to you, but you weren't there"

The detective lowered her voice, kept walking.

"I know; Frost was able to locate her sister, so we are here talking to her, asking questions. You know, the usual."

A short pause followed

"Is there anything... there was something you wanted to tell me, right?"

"About the lab results, yes. I thought I should let you know as soon as possible, just in case..."

"What is it?"

Jane couldn't help but notice Maura's usually professional tone over the phone was long gone now.

"Our victim was six weeks pregnant"

"That was unexpected" Jane mentally tried to place that new piece of information within the bigger puzzle of the case. What to do with it. "Well; anything is useful at this point, really" She was thinking aloud.

"How have you been?" It was _Professional Maura tone, t_rying to make conversation.

"Not too bad, I guess. Listen, I better go; Frost would hate if I left him alone with this for longer than necessary. And he already made me drive all the way here, so go figure"

There wasn't response from the other side of the phone.

"Talk to ya soon, okay?"

"The rest of the lab results are on your desk"

"Thank you, Maura. Bye"

"Bye, Jane" Jane knew the lack of emotion in Maura's voice could only mean one thing. And she wasn't about to lie to herself.

A feeling settled on the bottom of Jane's stomach as she placed her phone back to its place. She could call it _feeling like a jerk; _or she could call it any other name. But she had become too familiar with it over the past few weeks.

The distance from where she was standing to the living room felt exaggeratedly long for Jane; and she was relieved when she found Frost standing up, reaching into his shirt pocket for his personal card.

"Anything else you might come up with" He handed her the card; she placed it on the phone table, between many other loose cards and post-it notes "give us a call"

"Of course. Thank you" She looked at them in the eyes; first Frost, then Jane.

They walked outside, the sprinklers had gone off and it smelled of wet grass.

"Feel like going to Church, Rizzoli?"

"Only if we get drinks after"


	4. She was an astronaut

**As always, thank you for your reviews! they are very much appreciated.**

**Disclaimer: **I own nada!

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><p>With a twist of her wrist, Maura read the time on her watch: 11:26. It was time to leave the house. Closing the book on her lap, she felt the corners hardcover scratching against her knees. She stood up and placed it on the coffee table, deciding, at that moment, that it would be convenient to take it with her in case she had some time between lectures.<p>

Book in hand, Maura walked to her room in search of her red ostrich leather bag.

"It should be big enough" She said to herself. She emptied the contents of the brown bag she had used over the week-end over her bed: a black metal case containing her fountain pen, a Moleskine diary, a tube of vanilla hand lotion, her house and car keys, and green make up bag. She carefully placed them inside the bigger bag and hung it over her left shoulder, turning around to give a last look at herself on the vanity mirror. She walked back to the living room, where she grabbed her phone from the coffee table and headed for the kitchen, opening the metallic fridge doors and getting a cold bottle of water from the bottom rack.

"Bye, Bass" she bent down, one knee on the floor, to pet its shell "I will be back before dinner time and I'll bring you something yummy from the grocery store, okay buddy?"

Her own voice sounded strange,_ aloud,_after the solitude of a long weekend off.

As Maura reversed her car, she couldn't ignore the significance of having picked a copy of _Mrs Dalloway _to start reading that morning; out of the many volumes inhabiting the cedar wood shelves of her home office. She had not shown any hesitation, but resolutely reached for the old book, not even considering the unread volumes laying horizontally on the top shelves.

She drove calmly as she fidgeted with the car radio to find a new station, remembering the first time she read _Mrs. Dalloway_for a summer course on 20th Century English Literature she attended when she was 17. Days before even the course had started, the book had unveiled a world of diverging points of view and interior monologues; that summer she lived and saw through the eyes of the different characters of the novel. The following lectures on the book filled her with awe, increasing her amazement, and there was rarely a year when she didn't return to the comfort of its pages.

The first lecture was set to start at 12:15, just off George Square, and Maura decided on the longest way, taking the brick path that crossed the gardens, fresh with newly planted tulips. Pink, orange, yellow... Maura counted the colors as she walked the footpath flanked by big trees and wooden benches where students ate their lunches and went through their books, squinting with the bright sunlight.

Maura remembered walking through the same gardens years ago, when she was still a medical student at BCU, stopping to sit against the trunk of a tree, to open her book and resumed reading. She made a decision on that radiant day: she wouldn't turn into Mrs. Dalloway - she wouldn't allow herself to. Walking around full of secrets from the past, haunting her like the ghost of lovers now gone by. Everywhere she went.

It occurred to Maura that everybody - _everything for that matter, _she had found herself relating to, were connected to her in a purely functional manner: her union to Garreth Fairfield would produce a new consolidation between two already well established families, her casual dates, her colleagues; even her job was, when she came to think about it. She knew that now, walking past the pointy metal fence that surrounded the gardens in George Square.

And then Jane came along; and for the first time Maura found a dabbling interest within her. She consciously allowed herself slip into something that started with genuine stolen glances and occasional dinners. She gave herself permission to wonder. _What will her favorite ice-cream flavour be? What will her family be like? What does she smell like. _

And soon, she would have all the answers.

_Jane._

She still managed to occupy the majority of her thoughts; _of her days and nights._Even though Maura was determined to effectively resort to her routines, attempting to push her thoughts a bit lower each day. She had proven unsuccessful so far.

"Good morning, I am here for the conferences on Forensic Computing"

_Of course she was_. The young man smiled at her.

"They are in the David Hume auditorium. If you take the stairs down, the main entrance will be to your left. They begin at 12:15"

She took a seat on the back of the room.

Even though her BCU peers, her _connections, _all occupied the first two rows, Maura was tired of posing for the picture.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Maura balanced her purse, two big reusable bags and two sets of keys when her phone went off. The caller ID, unknown to the doctor, made her heart stop for a small moment. She knew that call was coming; but no amount of research, of mediation or deep thinking would ever prepare her for it.

"Hello. This is Maura Isles"

"Good Evening, Doctor Isles. This is Laura Trennant, I am calling from the Helmsey Clinic"

She felt her blood rush, her throat freeze. Her tongue went numb.

"We received your application form and would like to make an appointment for this coming week, if that is all right with you"

"It... Yes, of course"

"What time would be more suitable for you, Doctor Isles?"

"Definitely evenings..." She hesitated "But I could do mornings as well, as long as there is a twenty four-hour notice"

"That won't be necessary, we can fit you in for Wednesday. Four thirty?"

"Yes, it's perfect"

Maura leaned towards the now closed door, her legs slowly giving up the weight of her back. She had somehow managed to end up on the floor, surrounded by the objects previously on her full hands.

"All right, we will be waiting for you then. Any questions you might have, don't hesitate to give us a phone call"

Maura knew she wouldn't have made it through, had this conversation taken place face to face.

"All right, thank you"

"We will see you on Wednesday then. Good bye, Doctor Isles"

"Good bye"

Maura cleared her throat. Not that it mattered anyway.

Suddenly she wasn't hungry anymore. Something else had filled up the emptiness so evident moments ago and Maura paced frantically around her house, phone still forgotten in her hand. She organized the fresh groceries, threw away the expired ones and fixed a salad for Bass.

Darkness caught her by surprise, distracted. She had to turn on the kitchen lights in order not to trip over the round metal containers now filled with water and organic greens.

But that was all she could handle to see under the artificial lights; To Maura, the presence of her furniture seemed to hold the menacing promise of memories of better times. So she crossed different rooms, leaving only obscurity behind.

A though crossed her mind, as she undressed, tossing her linen dress carelessly to the foot of her bed and crawling under the covers.

Her phone number was in fourth place on the dialed numbers list; and still, a hidden, rational voice repeated itself in her head. _This was no state to make decisions. She wouldn't know what to tell Jane, after all. _She clutched her phone against her chest as she fought the tears in anticipation.

Instead Maura fell asleep, left cheek resting against her wet pillow.


	5. Current Road

"Life would be great, you know. If every single thing we did was this easy"

"I know Frost, I know"

For a moment, she stared at her bottle absentmindedly.

"What the hell, right? No long stares, no irrelevant questions..." She concluded "It almost feels like I didn't earn my paycheck this week. Almost" She smirked, and raised her bottle of beer, smashing its neck against her partner's half empty pint.

The sharp sound reached her ears among all the noise inside the Dirty Robber and Jane felt the cold inside her finger bones.

"And you know what really bothers me?" She didn't give Frost any chance to answer "On the news, everywhere; they keep talking about terrorism; _terrorists_ as super trained, turban wearing religious fanatics from continents far away but truth is, there are _terrorist_s who wear other kinds of clothes, like business suits and cassocks, and walk around with their socially accepted jobs"

Jane stopped to take a sip from her beer.

"Different kind of _terror, _obviously; but ultimately why don't they receive the treatment they really deserve?"

"You do have a point, Jane" Frost nodded "Damn, You know I love your rambling conclusions when we close a case. You are the best at it"

"I know, Frost. I even got a diploma for it, remember?"

"Don't remind me, Rizzoli; you emptied my printer's toner with that one"

She chuckled

"And as much as I love them" He grabbed his glass and finished the contents "I better be going now; gotta help my neighbor's kid tonight; she is applying for the Police Academy"

"And you promised your invaluable help?" Jane teased "Aw, detective Frost. You are such a charmer"

Frost rolled his eyes

"This one is on me, kay?"

Jane gathered her things as he walked towards the bar.

"I am going to head back" She inhaled the cool air from the street, and it brought a new level of consciousness to the night, the safe bubble of the Dirty Robber now left behind "I think I left my phone on my desk. Must be getting old" She grumbled.

"You want me to walk you back?"

"For fuck's shake, Frost. Knock it off, will ya?" Her voice was raspy, a throaty laugh followed.

She had disappeared before Frost could retort.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"And... what are you doing here?" Jane looked up, and blinked, startled to see her father, still in work clothes, approaching her desk.

"Hello to you too, Janie"

"Sorry, Pop" She rested her chin under her left hand and combed her hair with the other one.

"The question is more like what are _you_doing here?" There was no escape, Jane knew right then, right there "Shouldn't you be at home at this time of the day, or having drinks with Maura or whatever it is that you two do after work?"

"Your mother says you are ignoring her calls, and Frankie told me you have been working late every night"

"Oh god, so is that what this is? Is Ma sending you to check on me, because if she is; I'm having none of that"

"Jane, stop, just stop. Who do you think you are kidding anyway?"

Frank leaned and sat on the only vacant spot on the detective's desk, his black shoes a few centimeters above the floor.

Jane closed her eyes in a frustrated gesture, as she saw the clear sign: her father wasn't planning on leaving her alone anytime soon.

They sat in silence for a while, surrounded by the sound of Jane's computer.

"Do you know who called today?"

"Your daughter doesn't have mind-reading powers. Not yet, at least" She glanced sideways, spreading both hands flat on the paper covered surface "So the answer is: _no_?"

"Sister Mary Pat"

"Sister Mary Pat from fourth grade?" Her eyes widened and she looked up.

Frank nodded

"Woah, wow... I haven't been keeping up with my book reports, I have to confess. So she better not be call..."

"They had a burst pipe" Her father ignored her lame attempt at a joke. "Oh boy, she still remembers you like it was yesterday"

"And... I am not sure if I should take that as a compliment" the detective smiled widely, batting her lashes.

"Do _you _remember? That one time she kept seeing all over your arms and neck and she called home asking if we had an aggressive cat at home?"

Frank chortled, and Jane realized this was one of the few times she had seen her father laugh in that manner.

"And then Ma had to explain that I got those from fighting with Tommy. She was horrified" Jane was now laughing, too. "How could I forget? And all the scolding that came afterwards" She lowered her voice.

There it was again, silence and the slow passing of time.

"I wasn't easy as a child, was I?" _Or as an adult, for that matter, _she though.

She didn't get her answer, but she needn't to. .

More silence

"Don't do this to yourself, Janie"

Jane swallowed hard, staring at her father, wishing she could come up with something to say.

"She is... She is your friend."

Jane gave her father and incredulous look

"If you mean my friend as in -I will never be with another person, or marry the man Ma expected me to marry because _she is my friend._" Jane never stopped to take a breath "Then the answer is yes"

If by any means this was a contest of naming things by their proper names, she was making great progress, Jane thought.

"I know" There wasn't resentment, or indignation in his voice. And Jane let out a sigh of relief; perfectly audible in the quiet room. She though she could hear a hint of understanding in his father's voice.

"You know, perhaps this wasn't meant to be, Maura and I"

"I am sorry to say this, Jane, but you are the only one who thinks that"

He got up and leaned to kiss Jane's cheek.

"We have missed you"

Another sigh from Jane. Frank began to walk away, but stopped when he reached the glass doors.

"And Janie... You know, perhaps you think that the worst will happen, but what if it doesn't?"


	6. If Loneliness was Art

**So, here it is the next chapter. As for the next one, things will begin to unfold, finally...**

**And as always, thanks so much for your reviews! :)**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Doctor Isles".<p>

"Good morning" A tired smile was all Maura could manage after a sleepless night.

"I'm afraid there is a bit of a delay in Doctor Mateo's appointments this morning, but he should be with you in a little bit"

All smiles, the receptionist at the main desk was in the mid thirties, wearing a teal silk dress Maura quickly identified as a Chanel from the current season, she was almost too nice. _But then again, was there a thing such as too nice?. _Her impeccable English accent made her think of the summer she spent travelling around Europe.

Inadvertently to the doctor, hers wasn't the typical trip, staying in cheap hostels, eating reduced food from the clearance section, loosing track of places visited, drinks consumed and countries of origin of fifty new acquaintances made every night. Her mother had everything arranged: she would stay with relatives in England; and as for Italy and Spain, Bed & Breakfasts and guest houses seemed the most sensible option. Most of them were ran by American expats, to the annoyance of a young Maura, eager to try out and perfect her recently learned languages.

As Maura walked towards the waiting area she remembered feeling at home in a different country, drinking tea -_milk, no sugar; just like a British person, _with the only company of people who doubled her age.

She remembered being shocked once she headed down to the Mediterranean countries. It wasn't the ancient sights of monuments: Maura's parents made sure her education comprehended detailed courses on History of Art, and the holidays at the Isles household often included various European cities. What shocked a younger Maura was how people seemed to touch. Anytime. Anywhere. Personal space decreased; perhaps now she even had to count on inches, instead of feet. And that though startled her. Children had become some sort of public property, patted and caressed equally by restaurant waiters and supermarket cashiers.

There was a memory Maura wasn't aware she possessed. It involved a young girl behind a restaurant bar in Spain where she had stopped for something to eat and drink on a hot Tuesday evening. She was holding a baby against her hip; he was about ten months, Maura though and observed as he was passed by his mother towards the small group of women on the far end of the bar. They held him, and patted him, snuggled and touched his tiny bare feet. At that moment, Maura knew she would be able to recall dozens of theories that explained the benefits of touch in the development of babies and children, but the only though she could contrive was how wonderful would it be to be raised like that.

_Touch._

Maura could swear she hadn't touched or been touched by anybody in weeks. _Anybody alive, that was. _

She reached for a magazine, consciously avoiding the ones with smiley babies or on the cover, she settled for one with a embracing couple who seemed exaggeratedly thrilled about something. _Not that it was any better. _In a gesture that was unlike her, Maura opened the magazine at a random page. _9 Tips to get your baby to sleep. _

She wanted to read, occupy her mind with facts, numbers, lists; but she couldn't keep her mind from wandering and it was ironic, Maura thought, how we spend our childhood learning to sleep alone, only to have to get used to another presence in our beds as adults. She was going on reverse these days.

She almost missed her name being called by the nurse. A new one she hadn't seen before.

"God evening, Maura" The doctor pulled one of the chairs for her to sit on

"Thank you" She used both hands to straighten her floral skirt under her legs.

"I will spare you any of the regular formalities, if you don't mind"

Maura smiled politely and crossed her legs.

"The good news require it, in my opinion"

She felt her ears half block; her vision blurry as a doctor confirmed something, deep down, she had known for days.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Maura pulled her shopping among the aisles. Organic granola, green apples, brown sugar, plum tomatoes.  
>She crossed the words on her shopping list, a thick line of black ink through her neat calligraphy, thinking the old Maura from six weeks ago wouldn't had been able to do that. Shopping for one, looking at a near future for two, sleeping alone. Counting vitamins and other supplements for the next few months.<p>

Maura could tell others could tell something was _off _with her. Perhaps it was the fact that nobody had inquired _how are you feeling today. _Neither the receptionist at the clinic nor the cashier at the supermarket. It was dark by the time she loaded the groceries in her car.

She didn't know what made her turn left at the traffic lights on Market Street and driving a distance that would risk defrosting some of her purchases but Maura was glad to see the yellow dim light from the window of the Rizzoli's kitchen.

She was looking at the potted ivy plant when the first sob overtook her.

Maura's initial intention was to ring the bell, but the tears and the shivers had become uncontrollable, so she instinctively wrapped her arms around herself and stood under the porch light, waiting for something to happen.

A sort time passed when Maura thinks perhaps she should go home, she weights the damages of yet another reject and she realises she lacks units to properly measure them.

The sound of a door cracking made Maura bring her hand to her mouth to silence the imminent sob and the next thing she was aware of were Angela's hand touching her hair.

"Angela, what is it?" Frank was holding onto the railing, one foot down on the last step of the staircase.

She turned her head towards the house, never breaking contact with Maura "Will you boil some water, Frank?"

"Oh, Maura honey" Her voice is suddenly low "Let it go, honey, let it go. I got you now"

And it wasn't until she felt the other woman's tight embrace that Maura remembered what she had driven there for.


	7. A Braver Soldier

_What was it with rainy days?_People seemed to forget how to drive properly on the rain, Jane though. She wondered why everybody insisted on collapsing streets and roads and parking double parking when all Jane wanted was to find Maura and take her home. Her apartment. Maura's house. Home was Maura snuggling on the couch, wearing Jane's comfy clothes and casually stealing sips from her can of coke.

She deliberately avoided her reflection on the car mirror, where the dense rain was providing a very needed wash. _As if she_needed a descriptive reminder of what a sleepless night looked like.

Resolution seized Jane's body.

The last time Jane had felt so determined had been longer than a year ago; the first time she and Maura made love; Maura couldn't come.

* * *

><p><em>Her skin felt warm on Jane's lips, even though Maura's bedroom window was opened fully. <em>

_"I don't have to..." she flushed, her eyes closed. And Jane's heart sank because she had a feeling she wasn't the first person hearing those words coming from Maura. She promised herself it would be the last. _

_"...ssshhh" She kissed soft, now reluctant lips; caressed her milky thighs. _

_"Maura..." Maura's eyes remained closed and Jane tenderly kissed each eyelid "Maura, look at me, please"_

_She slowly did. Jane's hand delicately caressed her hair_

_"Maura, forget about everything, forget about the rest of the word, forget about _fucking" _Jane tipped her head, her mouth now almost touching the doctor's ear; she brought her right hand up to stroke the base of Maura's neck. "This, is me _making love _to you, okay?" _

_Maura nodded, her lips twisting into a shy smile. _

_Then it was the sound of the wind outside sweeping the trees and the sound of Maura's breathing as she came; creeping into Jane's naked body. _

_"Jane" _

_It came out barely a whisper. Her voice interrupted the soft noises of the outside word at night. Crickets on the distance and cars occasionally passing by had become the soundtrack of the night. _

_She felt Maura shifting and holding her more tightly, Jane's fingers still inside her. "Thank you" _

_"shhh... You don't have to thank me. Ever" Jane sat up and pulled the covers over them before turning the bedside lamp off and returning to the previous position "I love you."_

_"Thank you" Maura continued, and Jane' s mind wondered if she had actually said the words aloud. "For not giving up on me" _

_"I am not other people, Maura" She reassured, bringing the doctor's hand to her lips._

"_I love you"_

_When her eyes adjusted to the dark she could see tears on the verge of Maura's eyes._

* * *

><p>Jane was determined; and determination hadn't been in her mood range for the past few months.<p>

She decided she would try yoga first. After all it was the main reason for which Maura would not be at home on a rainy Sunday morning.

Behind the glass desk, Mark was staring at the screen of the white laptop.

"Long time no see, Jane" He greeted her as she walked in and the Detective swore he was taking pleasure in his words. Jane had always liked him.

"If you are in for the morning yoga class it is almost over, and if you came for pilates, it has been rescheduled to one o'clock"

She took at look at herself, for a second she was confused.

"Wha-. No I am looking for Maura. She came in this morning, right?"

He gave her an understanding smile, but Jane knew it was only half of it.

"Yep, she did come; but left the class halfway through. She said she wasn't feeling good"

Jane's fingers reached for a pen lying on the desk and started wriggling. Mark looked at her hand.

"I asked her if I could drive her home, she was looking pale the poor thing, but she refused, Jane"

"Got any idea where she might have gone?"

"No idea, but I could guess she went straight home; I'm telling ya, she wasn't looking very good"

Jane gave herself a minute to think

"Did you try her phone?"

It seemed obvious; except it wasn't.

Jane felt sorry for Maura when she spotted her rushing down Fellsway Avenue in the heavy rain.

She stopped over yellow lines, at the end of the street. Jane turned the emergency lights on as she fought the urge of getting out of the car.  
>The rain would only make her wet, and Maura didn't need a damp Jane; so she rolled the window down a few inches to allow some fresh air in the car. Outside, it smelled like ozone.<p>

Her heart was pumping fast when she got out of the car.

Maura didn't seem surprised to find her there, but Jane knew she wasn't living inside a fairy tale where Maura had been waiting all the time for Prince Charming to find her and take her back to the castle. She was just shivering, and pale; and looking too exhausted and unable to show shock. Or anger, or anything for that matter. It broke her heart.

"I-" she wrapped her arms around herself and looked down "I left my car in St James, it was such a good day and I thought I would walk to yoga"

Jane opened the door for her before walking around the car to get in.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore" She paused, resting her arm over the base of the car window "leaving the house without checking the forecast in advance"

Jane took her jacket off and placed her around Maura's shoulder, helping the wet, trapped hair out of it.

"Me neither" She reached for Maura's hand, giving herself no time for hoping she wouldn't pull away.

She didn't, and Jane felt relief settling on her chest.

The doctor took a big breath "Can we go home?"

Maura, ever the mind-reader. Jane was glad the doctor spoke the words she didn't dare to. She just gave Maura's hand a gentle squeeze, turned the car temperature up and started driving in silence.

Walking home holding Maura's hand had a strange familiarity to it. Like finding a group of people you only know from work, or from cooking class on a bar on a Friday night and finding out about common interests over good conversations and beer.

As usual Joe Friday was nowhere to be found.

"Do you want something hot to drink? I think I have some tea or-"

Jane realized it was absurd, she could hear the chattering of her teeth in the silence of her apartment.

"I would like to sleep for little while"

Maura felt slack and cold as Jane lead her to her bedroom; she guided her so they were both sitting down on her bed and Maura leaned in in search of contact. Jane wrapped her arms around her. The rain hadn't washed the smell of her shampoo away; she was still shivering.

Jane helped the doctor out of her damp yoga pants and her light blue cotton t-shirt; she opened the bed covers for her and started walking towards her closet to get another blanket.

"Jane"

She stopped halfway to look at the bulk that was now Maura buried in her bed

"Don't leave"

"_Fuck" She_ hadn't intended to say it out loud "Not this time. I won't. _Not Ever_"

Jane placed the flecked blanket over Maura and lay on the bed next to her, softly stroking her back. She could hear the doctor beginning to quietly sob underneath; her hand never stopping running along her. She waited until they faded.

A cold hand emerged from the covers to cup her cheek.

"Jane?"

"Yes" It came out with a sniffling sound.

This time Jane couldn't contain her sobbing, she reached her hand up to wipe the tears.

"I forgive you"

Maura, always the mind-reader.


	8. November

**So, this is it! Thanks so much for playing along, I hope you had fun with the story. I definitely did... I do have a couple of ideas that could translate into, let's say, one-shots taking place within this story. We'll see about that.**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>When Maura woke up she was too warm, faintly sweating; and she didn't know what time it was, but the sun had come out and was now projecting long shadows of Jane's furniture across her bedroom.<p>

The sound of Jane's voice sounded on the other side of the apartment, _like the other side of the word._Maura sat up, her hair tousled and still a bit damp, she casted her eyes towards the half open door. It was darker outside the room. When her eyes rested upon the room again, she found Jane's oversized BPD and a pair of brown pajama pants neatly folded on the chair next to the door.

Her bare feet felt cold against the floor so she rummaged through Jane's drawers in search of some warm socks.

Jane was probably on the phone, as only her voice was audible to Maura; and only when the doctor was sure she'd hung up, she started walking towards the kitchen, her footsteps now barely perceptible on the hardwood flooring.

Her eyes were red and Maura could tell she had been crying, she was sitting on one of the kitchen stools, her knees against the wooden counter.

"That was my mother" Her voice sounded deep and serious "She wanted to know if she was going to be able to look me in the eyes for the rest of her life"

Maura rested her forearm against the length of Jane's shoulder, like she had done so many times before.

"I told her I'm t-" She took Maura's other arm with both her hands, her voice now broken "I told her I was working on it" She fidgeted with her phone.

Both women sought comfort just like they had wanted to reassure the other, and it was all that was needed as they cuddled in an caress that was weeks, months long.

* * *

><p>As Maura came out the shower in Jane's bathroom the thought hit her: she had nothing to change into. She had been so exhausted that she didn't even think to ask for a change of clothes.<p>

Then she saw it: Jane's dark blue robe was hanging from the back of the bathroom door. As she pulled the soft, worn fabric over her now more relaxed body, Maura knew the exact number of times the sleeves needed to be cuffed before they could fit her shorter frame.

Remembering her wet clothes she returned to Jane's bedroom and she smiled to herself as she saw they had already been taken care of.

When she stepped outside Maura could hear the noisy dryer. She couldn't remember how many times she had told her she needed to replace that old machine; to always receive the same response from the ever practical Jane: "It is not broken, Maura. And still does a pretty decent job at drying my clothes, so what's the point of point in buying a new one?"

"Feeling a bit better?" Jane smiled slightly at the sight of the doctor wrapped in her old blue robe.

"Yes, actually I am. Thank you" Maura reached for the red steaming mug she was being offered. She knew it was chamomile tea without even having to look at the contents.

"Good. Okay, here, come sit on the sofa while I start with dinner" For a second, Maura saw what appeared to be some sings of unsettlement within Jane, as she handed her the TV remote as if Maura was some stranger in her home; an outsider who wasn't familiar with the places for the different objects around her apartment. She thanked Jane again, looking her in the eyes, trying to reassure her; she wasn't angry after all. She was a bit sad, and slightly disappointed, but not angry. Never with Jane.

They ate in silence, the jolting noise of the dryer playing on the background like a soundtrack. It soothed Maura, who began to feel more relaxed. _At home. _She knew this was probably the first time in weeks.

Jane was washing the dishes; and Maura knew the detective wouldn't do it any other way, so she helped, standing next to her drying the utensils Jane handed her.

"I thought I had this figured out"

"We didn't have a relationship, Jane. We had dates, sleepovers and our half of our clothes in each other's closets; and over all we did a good job at tricking other people" Jane handed her a wooden spoon and Maura focused in drying it thoroughly. "We did such a good job, we almost tricked ourselves"

"God, Maura. I have been a big jerk" She looked her in the eyes and if felt like the first time in ages.

"I am so sorry, I thought I had figured this out and I was the strong one in this and all I had to do was protecting you; and one day you say that you want to throw a third element into the equation"

"Help me out here, please; I had no idea how do you divide two by three" Jane rubbed her eyes "God, I was always a freaking failure with maths"

"Maybe you are looking at the wrong operation here" Maura's face seemed to soften."Maybe what we need here is an addition. Instead of a division"

"I want that with you, Maura. If you want that"

Maura nodded, she felt tears rushing as she dried her hands on a fresh kitchen towel.

"I want to be there, Maura, for the sleepless nights, the parent-teacher interviews, the school plays"

"I want to be there for you"

"Us" Maura passed the towel to Jane and reached for her lower belly, wrapping both her arms there "You want to be there for us"

Drops fell to the front of her robe, she didn't know if they were from her still wet, disheveled hair, or if she was actually crying.

"You are..."

Maura nodded

Jane was on the verge of tears. She was getting good at this, she though, keeping the tears from falling.

"Oh, Maur. Take a seat, sweetheart"

"Don't be silly, Jane" It was tears this time, Maura was sure; and they were wet and messy and everywhere. "I'm only a few weeks"

The minutes that followed were spent in silence, holding each other securely with promises of never leaving. With the only interruption of the occasional sound of sniffles and whispered I "l_ove you_"s they slowly swayed in Jane's quiet kitchen.

"It is going to be cute, you know, finally having a good reason to look on the rear-view mirror while I drive"

Maura had her face buried in the detective's neck and she could feel her hands stroking her hair. It was torturous, almost painful, to slowly disentangle from each other; but they were exhausted and only the promise of being able to cuddle in Jane's bed was reassuring enough for both women.

"Teal has always looked good on you"

The doctor was wearing Jane's pyjamas

"Thank you"

Maura crawled under the covers, resting her head on two pillows, her eyes fixated on the ceiling, waiting for the detective to change.

"Jane" she whispered, "I am glad you didn't replace your old dryer, I kind of like that machine"

"I know" she smiled slipping into a tank top and turning her head to look at the doctor.

Before Joining Maura on the bed, she turned the bedside lamp off. Shyly she mimicked the other woman's position and they lay there for a few minutes, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room, when she felt Maura's hand taking her own and placing it around her waist. She rested it on her lower stomach and creeping under the fabric she caressed the soft skin she found there.

Jane rolled to her side, fully adjusting her body to Maura's, breathing the air from her hair, and she placed a trail of tender kisses on her neck.

"I am going to need more of these, Jane Rizzoli" Her goofy smile was not lost on Jane.

She kissed her again "As many as needed"


	9. Bundles

So I had an idea for a one-shot after the actual story; and this is it!

I guess it can be read independently as well as a continuation for "Half of you"

* * *

><p>Maura's shoulder felt cold under her lips so Jane's first instinct was to carefully pull the bed covers over her, hoping not to wake the sleeping doctor. Jane remembered leaving the window open to allow the room to cool down the night before; but the early morning was starting to feel cold. She readjusted her body; bathroom could wait for now, she thought as she closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to take over.<p>

When Jane sensed Maura's weight shifting, her mind was wandering around the smell of the sheets on Maura's bed. She had to ask the doctor to show her how she did her laundry, she though. As silly as it sounded, she would; especially if it meant such a nice scent lasting for days.

"Morning"

Jane placed soft kissed on her eyelids, slightly swollen from sleep. She allowed a few minutes for Maura to wake up more fully.

"I hate waking up so early on my day off."

Maura's left eye was now blinking

"It is just your body adjusted to your weekly schedule"

The only response was a resounding yawn from the detective.

"You might be able to discern between Saturdays and Monday, Jane, but to your body is all the same"

"Oh, is that so?" Jane's voice was made of sleepiness and sarcasm "I will remind you that on Monday morning"

"That is not the question, Jane. Let me explain it to you"  
>With a rapid move, Maura sat on the edge of the bed and Jane was so focused on processing and crafting her next witty response that the reaction to the sight of Maura rushing to the bathroom was clearly delayed.<p>

She was already inside before Jane realized what was going on.

Unlike the first time it happened, it did not catch her by surprise this once, unable to think of what to do. Jane moved a bit more confidently next to the doctor. A bit more reassuring, slightly more helpful than the first time.

Jane looked at her feet and Maura's perfect posture was gone; bending over the toilet seat. She waited, focusing on staying calm in her mind, in passing that sensation on to Maura.

And Maura looked at her, light tears staining her eyes as she placed the blue face towel under running water. Jane leaned down and rubbed her back and held her hair back until the nausea seemed to subside.

"I know this actually won't help much. But if I could exchange myself for you right now I would do it without blinking an eye. You know that, don't you?"

"I know that, Jane"

It had happened a number of times before: Maura feeling sick in the morning, looking distressed and paler than usual. It simply broke Jane's heart seeing her like that.

It had happened before, but it was always a rushing time, confusion, trying to get ready for work, so this time Jane knew what to do and when reached for the silver faucet on Maura's bathtub and adjusted the running water.

There was a sound. The phone was ringing on the other end of the house

"That's probably Ma; who else uses the home phone these days?" Jane wondered aloud "I better pick it up, yeah?"

Maura nodded and smiled a faint smile "You better"

"Well, so much for trying to sleep in on a Saturday, anyway" Jane's voice grew weaker as she walked down the hallway.

When she walked in the bathroom again, the detective grabbed the shower gel and squeezed some inside the bath.

Maura was resting her back against the bathtub and Jane wiped a few tears from her cheeks.

The doctor reached for the black elastic on the detective's wrist. Jane watched in silence as she pulled her hair into a bun; her hair messier than it already was. And she couldn't help but leaning to kiss the soft strands on the back of her head.

"Yep, That was ma. She wanted us to grab some bread before we head over for dinner tonight" Jane took a loose strand of Maura's hair and tucked it under her ear.

"I didn't tell her about your morning sickness. Because, you know, we risk having her move in with us for three months, you know how she can be sometimes" Maura was pulled into a warm embrace. "But you know we can cancel any time, yeah?"

"Thanks, Jane" the doctor held more tightly "I should be fine by the time we have to be there, don't you think?"

"Plus, I have been having this kind of craving for your mom's Cannoli"

"Oh, have you?" There was a grin on Jane'sface.

"mmhuhmm"

"Okay good, we'll see what happens then. For now I'm going to get you some of that tea you have been drinking in the mornings."

"Chamomile tea, Jane. And I don't always drink it in the morning"

Jane was glad to see some color back in Maura's face.

"But it helps you with sickness, right?"

"It does, thank you, Jane"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"You know this is the perfect blackmailing material"

When Jane came back, cup of tea in hand, she looked at the state of Maura's bathroom and traced circles with her index finger around the air.

"Well" the doctor's serious tone contrasted with the goofy smile planted on her lips "In my defense, I am extremely organized at work, and other aspects of my life"

Maura's bathroom counters and shelves were an array of lotions, make up, hair combs and other products which Jane never got tired of claiming useless again and again.

"Besides, it is not that big of a mess; and it is convenient"

"_Not that big of a mess?_" Jane rested her left elbow on her right hand and played with a strand of hair "Really, Maur? It is like an Avon party everyday in here" She frowned and smiled.

Maura chuckled and used the bathtub as support to sit up on the edge.

"Oh, great." Jane watched as Maura started to undress "So now we are resorting to getting naked in order to change the subject?" She rolled her eyes as she joked.

"Water is ready, Jane"

Once Maura sat in the warm water; Jane passed the mug to her and started playing absentmindedly with the soapy water, tracing swirling patterns on the surface.

There was a comfortable silence for a while, only interrupted by the sound of water, it relaxed Maura.

Then it was Jane's worried voice.

"What was it like?"

"What do you mean?"

Jane had had plenty of time to wonder, mostly when she was by herself. And the number of those occasions had been only increasing now with Maura sleeping an average of nine hours every day.

But Jane had never wondered aloud.

"Going to the clinic, the appointments" There was a pause and Jane readjusted her body against the white tub "Getting, you know-"

"You can say, Jane"

"Getting _pregnant_" it came as a breath and Jane fought hard to find her voice again "We don't have to talk about this"

"I don't mind talking about it" Maura reached for the detective's hand in a gesture which dissipated any possible doubts she might have had. "And if you want to talk about it, then I want to talk about it"

"Okay" Jane gave a small squeeze to the wet hand holding hers.

A few months ago, she wouldn't have recognized this Maura, or perhaps she wouldn't have acknowledged this side her: so sure of herself, so confident; there was a strength in her words, in how she went about her daily routines that made the detective question everything she knew before.

She had been wrong, Jane thought, thinking the source of her affection for Maura was pure need; need to be needed, need to satisfy this need.

Still, there was something missing. The nails that held the picture on the wall also played a major role on its display. Maura was strong, independent, she was able to pursue her dreams, whatever these were, she was unapologetic and Jane knew she had been a complete stupid not to love her for all that.

Maura rested the cup on the edge of the tub and Jane resumed playing with the water.

"I had a few appointments before, you know, the actual procedure. Perhaps four or five" Jane nodded closing her eyes for a brief moment.

The doctor took a moment to choose her words carefully; she leaned backwards and set her hair loose, arching back and dipping her head in the water brought some clarity and gained her a few seconds. She knew this wasn't the time to flood Jane's mind with facts and information where getting lost would be the easy route.

"They mostly consisted of me talking to with Dr. Mateo, general checkups, blood and other necessary tests"

Jane sensed what Maura was trying to do: detaching herself from her own statements, like she had done many times before. But that didn't make the story any less sad and she felt her chest tight, tears splitting her vision like the kaleidoscope she used to love when Jane was six.

"Was it-" She used the back of her dry hand to wipe some tears from her eyes "Was it difficult, doing it?"

"It was. At times. No amount of research prepares you for that, Jane; and I was so wrong thinking it would." Jane couldn't discern the tears on the doctor's wet face, but she could feel she was crying too. "Sometimes it was terrifying"

"God, Maura. I'm so sorry"

"I know"

Jane's hand moved her hand from the water onto Maura's back, where she started soft circular strokes.

"But we are here now" The doctor had her eyes closed for a second, then they opened again and looked at Jane "And I wouldn't change it for anything"

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, quiet tears running freely.

"Can I ask you one more question?" The detective's voice sounded grave

"Of course, Jane. As many as you want"

"What is the baby going to be like?"

Maura smiled, and for a second Jane was lost trying to interpret the small gesture.

"I cannot be certain, but he or she will share some of my characteristics and some of the characteristics of the biological father"

Jane's eyes grew wider as she listened to Maura's voice.

"…An anonymous donor" She was glad Maura knew what to answer to before the question was uttered.

"But I really hope this baby does take after your determination and your sense of loyalty" The doctor's tone had clearly lightened now and the soft teary laugh of both women echoed on the walls of Maura's bathroom.

There were a few more moments of silence which Jane used to process what this conversation meant for both of them; Maura was happy to give her this time for herself. And in a moment that seemed like a blur all the previous relationships –the few ones that she had, the few ones that she almost had, merged in a blonde faceless person who had meant nothing but broken promises. Perhaps she did have a thing for Blondes, Jane Rizzoli.

"The water is getting cold, Jane"

With that, she stood up and reached for Maura's robe from the hanger behind the bathroom door.

"God, sorry, Maur…. All these questions"

"Don't be silly, Jane. I am glad you asked" Her smile was reassuring and the detective wrapped the robe around Maura, helping her outside the water.

Once her feet stood on hardwood, the detective wrapped her arms around her expanding waist leaning her head on the other woman's shoulder. Not so long ago Maura had confessed that she couldn't help but think that her body seemed unfamiliar to herself these days, and Jane was devoted to prove otherwise; help her change her mind. Every single minute they spent together.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

She could not contain her excitement.

Jane Rizzoli had a secret mission to accomplish that Saturday morning and she had to stop herself a number of times before almost telling Maura by accident.

It had been relatively easy to sneak away. A simple mention of a 2x3 deal on imported beer was enough to disappear for a little while without arising much suspicion.

When she felt she was far enough from Maura, Jane started looking for a sales assistant.

Focused, with steady confident steps she moved around the store.

The first one who crossed her way was way too young for Jane, she required someone who displayed a sense of experience, of maturity. And somebody in their twenties simply did not do the trick for Jane.

The second assistant was a man. Jane could not come up with a rational explanation as to why a man but she didn't say a word when their paths crossed.

Jane sighed at the thought of not being able to leave her detective skills at home on a moment like

A few aisles to the left the woman with red hair spoke a very polite "Good Morning, can I help you with anything?" to Jane as she approached and the detective knew she was the one.

The piece of paper shook on Jane's hands as she took it from her back pocket and fumbled to unfold it.

"Hello, yes." She spoke rapidly "I am looking for something similar to this"

The assistant fixed her eyes on the torn magazine page and scanned the picture with curiosity. Jane noticed her name tag read Margaret. To Jane, she did seem like a Margaret for some reason.

"I didn't know what it was called, so I thought I would just bring the picture to you guys" Margaret smiled genuinely at the detective trying to explain herself.

"Don't worry; just follow me and I will show you what we have in stock"

"Thanks"

Jane gave her back a relieved smile.

Choosing a color had never held a special significance for Jane.

She had been paying attention at the long list of technicalities the sales assistant had been reciting for the last three minutes, but she had decided she did not have much of an adjusted preference; or a previous experience: so she just went with the recommendations from the assistant, formulating curious questions when doubts arose.

Before that Saturday morning, black was just black. Relatively easy to care for, widely available, it was a convenient color and Jane could easily compile a list naming every reason why.

Hazel was the color of Maura's eyes.

The rest of the colors were simply colors that more or less combined with black.

Today pink or blue were out of the question for Jane. That left her with a few possibilities.

A brown and light blue polka dot pattern caught her attention as she browsed with focused attention. She thought it was kind of cute and hoped that Maura would, too.

_Then came the easy part_, Jane thought. Sneaking the wrapped present in the car should not present any difficulty and hopefully the deli section still had had Maura distracted enough not to notice anything suspicious.

She found the doctor mere steps from where she left her, engrossed on the many different brands of Italian pasta on display; the shopping basket on her arm halfway filled with different products.

"Hey"

"You are back, already"

"Yeah, people already took care of raiding the shelves so they didn't have much left on sale"

Jane could come up with a decent lie when the occasion required it, after all. She observed the doctor as they paid for the groceries, as they packed them; as a completely oblivious Maura walked to the car seat while Jane unloaded the reusable bag on the car trunk.

As she walked around the car to her seat, Jane caught a glimpse of her face: slightly flushed, obvious smirk painted on it. She wondered how anyone could fall for it.

"Jane, what is this?" "Is it for me?" Maura was already inside the car and her excitement was audible in her voice.

"Well, I think your name's on it…" She sat and smiled brightly as Maura hesitated for a moment.

"If I was you, I would open it" She insisted, not trying to hide her amusement.

Maura squealed at first and the detective took delight in Maura's reaction.

"A baby sling" Jane could feel her pulse as she watched the doctor unwrap the present "I love it, Jane. It is perfect; it will be perfect"

"I saw this picture on an article about how babies bond with their mothers, and I thought you'd totally be into it."

"I mean, I didn't even know how the thing was called, so I brought the picture down to the store, the assistant was very helpful, you know, it seemed like something you would love to use" Jane was rambling, trying to explain herself, and she was fully aware she needed to stop it. Somehow.

"And, you know, I can always use a free hand to carry my coffee"

Maura's warm laugh at her remark made her infinitely happy.

"Thank you, Jane" Maura hooked her arm around the detective's neck, bringing both women together and placing soft kisses on her cheek. "Thank you so much" She whispered, clearly moved.

"No, thank _you_" Jane caressed the other woman's cheek "Thank you for being so brave; thank you for carrying this baby"

"_Our baby" _The doctor corrected

Maura's words had an effect on Jane, and her eyes were liquid.

_Jane was going to live to make Maura happy, to moments like this, wrapped around each other inside of her car_, she thought.

At that precise moment, Jane made a promise to herself.


End file.
